Lost In Haste

Its such a funny word, closure.  After important events in our lives end in unexpected ways, we’re constantly seeking it.  Or we completely try to avoid it, running in the opposite direction.  In my case, I went with the later in an attempt to get on with my life when my ex and I split.  Instead…well, we’ll get into that.

For a couple of weeks, I’d been thinking about MJ and how things ended with him.  It wasn’t a messy breakup, just quick and dry…and so very fast.  Even though he said he was fine and it was better ending before any more resentment built up, I still felt guilty as hell (if you haven’t figured it out yet, I ended things, not him) for how our relationship had come to a close.

You may be asking ‘if you split in November, why are you thinking about all this now?’  Well, I blame a former co-worker of mine.  We were at the holiday Christmas party and she mentioned I seemed more mature and far more confident than when she first met me.  I didn’t even have to think about it before I gave the credit to MJ.  I’m not sure how, but being with him had not only made me insanely happy but it had also given me new outlooks life, the universe, and everything (yes, I couldn’t resist throwing in a Hitchhikers Guild quote).

So fast forward to yesterday when MJ and I had planned on lunch.  I was the driving force behind the meal.  I wanted to see him to thank him for what he gave me and to analogize for how I ended things…of course nothing turns out like you expect.

All in all, it was enjoyable.  He looked good and I told him so; he said the same back to me.  We made some meaningless small talk and before I knew it, we’d been sitting there for an hour and a half.  He asked if I was dating about and I said yes.  I asked if he was and as it turns out, he’d been flirting with far too many people.  It seemed like we’d both moved on and things were going great.

Unfortuatly, I had to open my big mouth and divulged too much information when he asked me about dating around.  He was wondering why I was giong through so many guys so quickly and I blurted out that the ones still interested in me coudn’t compare with him at all.  He proptly got a puzzled look on his face and asked me why on earth I would do that sort of thing.  I changed the conversation.

Reflecting on all this, I realized MJ was right.  There is no reason I should be comparing anyone that I date now to him.  The logic behind it is perfectly clear: I’m comparing them to him because I’m still not over MJ.  I thought that going out and dating imediatly after we broke up would move the getting-over-your-ex process along at a faster rate.  As it turns out, it just stopped it completly; I haven’t yet really taken a chance to evaulate everything and greive for the ending of the relationship.

Do I want him back?  Yes…no…I have no idea.  Being with MJ made me insanely happy but at the end, I was horiably depressed.  My time with him represents the best and worst expirences of my life.  Am I romatasizing my first love?  Do I have regrets on not trying hard enough to make it work?  Or do I really want to ask him back.  Your guess is as good as mine at this point.

The catch to this whole situation is that even if I was sure I wanted to ask him to give me another chance, I could never do that to him.  The guy he dated before me did exactly that time and time again; they would break up and then he’d want MJ back.  If the entire night taught me anything, it was that MJ deserves to be happy and get on with the rest of his life.  Trying to interfere with that woudn’t be fair to him or me.

Its true what they say: after a while, the bad times fade away and you’re only left with good memories.  Almost all I have left now are the great times we experienced.  MJ, if you’re reading this (and knowing you, there is a strong chance you are), I hope you can find that with someone else who deservers you far more than I.