Childhood Memories
Jul 25th, 2007 at 9:55 pm by Jon
It never fails! When in a rush, I always (without fail) hit the ’save’ button instead of the ’submit’ button on a post! Oh well… This should have been up last week :
It was nice to pretend. Everything was back to normal before the internet. It was so simple. Of course it couldn’t last. It didn’t the first time, why should it the second time? Furthermore, I wouldn’t want anything to be different.
As I do with most of my posts, this one started in the middle of the story. …actually, this one started at the end but the principle is the same… I think the way I write a blog post reflects the way I tell a story to my friends: start in the middle, confuse the hell out of everyone, and then work my way backwards.
This week I ended up seeing an old friend of mine. Tyler and I met each other way back in the day at the ripe old age of five. We were pretty close (although thinking about it, everyone is close at that age) and ended up best friends. However we pretty much stopped talking after his family moved to Kansas when we were about eleven.
As predicted (yes, I was that cynical even back then), we lost touch. It wasn’t until we were both in high school that we talked with each other again. Even then it wasn’t much: we’d see each other every other summer. We’d see a movie, catch up a little, and that would be it until next summer. That was simply the way of the system and it worked perfectly for me. Tyler wasn’t around long enough to ask any of those questions…the one’s like who are you dating and what’s her name?
This time the questions came up.
A few weeks ago, he facebooked me (yes, I’m using it as a verb only to irritate you Kelly (not the one from work) so HA) to let me know he’d be up here for a week. Of course I promptly forgot about it and was completely surprised when he called me on Friday to see what I wanted to do.
As it turned out, his mother wanted to see me, so we (as in her, Tyler, his father, and his baby (as in five years old) brother) went out to eat in the Valley I remember causing her lots of problems during my childhood (I was a big trouble maker) so I nearly fell out of my chair when she mentioned how much she would have loved to stolen me from my mother. Talk about surprises!
After saying good bye to the parents, we wandered over to the movie theater to catch a late show (sounds a little familiar). Transformers wasn’t showing right after dinner so we walked over to get some ice cream to kill time. So we were sitting there watching the little teenagers running around playing tag and screaming and he stared talking about the break up with his psyco ex. Oh great, here it comes I thought to myself.
It did.
So Jon, are you seeing anyone?
Have you ever experienced the world slowing down to a stand still while your thoughts start moving faster than the speed of sound? This was one of those moments and in those few seconds before I opened my mouth I somehow decided not to say anything about…everything. I didn’t lie, I didn’t even evade the truth. I said things like no, I’m not seeing anyone right now and later when he asked if there was anyone I was interested in I replied with after what happened the last time and with everything going on now, I’m just enjoying being on my own.
Yes, it was a lie by omission. I had the perfect opportunity to tell the last person I’d every been friends with (and still communicated with) that I was gay and I chickened out. During those few seconds I rationalized my decision in so many ways. He’s a republican; he’s catholic; it really doesn’t concern him; he’s on vacation, he doesn’t need to deal with this kind of stuff… The list just went on but in the end, I was a coward. I told myself I’d tell him later…but of course that didn’t happen.
I again had the perfect opportunity last night. We went down to the Landing with some of his old grade school friends. There was a little food and a lot of alcohol. I was a little shocked at how little it took to get him drunk, especially when you factor his fraternity membership… He was drunk (and despite being the DD, I was a tad tipsy) and would have taken things either far better or far worse and I still didn’t tell him!
As I was driving home (after dropping him off at his hotel), I came to the realization that I hadn’t come as far as I’d previously thought. Sure my friends know (they’ve supported me every step of the way). Sure my family knows (much to their horror and regret for most of them). Sure my coworkers know (which has led to some pretty good jokes I might add). Nearly everyone in my life knows…but I’m still (at least in some sense) in the closet.
The only problem is I don’t know how to come out the rest of the way…